JW,

In this tangled and ever-changing world in which we live, there are certain constants that remind us that we often cave to stress and undue hardships prematurely, that we donít give our all in attempting to be our best in all situations. Furthermore, there are those with the inborn ability and charisma to motivate and inspire others, a natural born leader that stands a head above others and is a source of great inspiration. These characteristics are far and few between, and when such a person graces our midst, we emulate their behavior in hopes that we can someday be looked upon with the same manner of respect. Knowing your self-absorbed personality type, Iím sure you regard yourself as perched atop this glittering throne of adjectives, but sadly, youíre mistaken.

In toppling your self-misconceptions, letís examine for a moment the magical qualities embodied by your personality type. This ought to be an enlightening journey for you, as Iím sure youíve never pointed that high-strung scope of intellectual power on yourself. Casting aside the glittering and educated adjectives used so liberally a moment ago, Iím going to cleave to brevity (a word that has eluded you in a manner you canít begin to comprehend), and settle on my favorite descriptive word of you: jackass. Itís nothing polished or refined, but it conveys the point well. Since your verbosity has giving you a reputation for emanating verbal flatulence every time you open your mouth, I thought Iíd settle on something simple for the purposes of this letter. It should keep it to the point and not let me runaway with SAT words, which may or may not be unfamiliar to you. So next time someone asks you the one word youíd use to describe yourself, you can say ďjackassĒ and theyíll all know what you mean. But enough with that and on with the show.

Now I know you must be nodding your head and those ever-present veins that bulge when you work your emaciated frame into a frenzied state of excitement must really be pulsating (not to mention youíve probably had a brain embolism at this point). But simmer down and read on. This is my attempt to offer you sound advice that will prevent you from making a complete ass of yourself at your new store. Lord knows you will look back at this one as ďthe golden storeĒ and cause an endless amount of eye-rolling every time you mention it. But anyway, my solutions are three:

  1. Next time you ride to the top at the expense of others, consider there are some who are intelligent enough to recognize your game and what itís all about. Your ďkeenĒ sense of enthusiasm is nothing more than a slick faÁade that fails miserably and your effervescent personality would seem to indicate youíll have a coronary at 40, but the world wonít miss you so battle on. Personally I havenít decided if you are going to explode or keel over, but thatís a different story.
  2. Enough with the delusion you are the most intelligent person on earth and that you can use words and quotes that will befuddle others. Iíve seen you stumble so often, mostly over your own verbal static, that itís a wonder youíve made it this far without serious injury to your person. I know few people who use ďUHĒ as a two-letter comma, but youíve managed to elevate it to an art form. Again, battle on.
  3. Two words: Right Guard.

Hopefully this letter has proven to be somewhat enlightening for you, but Iím sure my overly direct sense of candor has led you to believe it is an insult on your character rather than the epiphany it is meant to bring about. But thatís your choice and I canít do much to persuade you to see it otherwise. So be it. In closing, Iíd like to wish you the best of luck and convey my enthusiasm in regards to your long overdue departure.


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