There are many things in life that my mother didn’t teach me while I was growing up. I don’t begrudge her for it, but having acquired some of these talents later in life, I find them indispensible and feel the need to pass them on. Dr. Spock sure didn’t write about them, and they’ve been largely ignored in parenting books. Here’s my list of things that every mother needs teach her child by age thirteen.
How to be rude. Mother always taught me to say please and thank you and to let other people go first in line. Obviously this doesn’t play well in today’s cut throat environment, so i’ve had to adjust to an alien environment after years of motherly training. I still say please and thank you, but it’s usually in a condescending way that conveys disgust (THANK YOU for letting me wait in your line while you yacked off on the phone. Please go on. Don’t let me interrupt you). To put this in perspective, mother apologizes to the grocery store clerks when she goes through their line for making them, God forbid, WORK!
How to swear. Swearing was a capital offense in mother’s eyes – dad’s too for that matter. But letting out a string of expletives after some mother$%@!#* cuts you off in traffic sure is a relief. It’s also pretty harmless. I mean I’ll bet God even let one slip when He made the mistake of creating temptation with that whole tree of good and evil thing. It spawned that Fox series Temptation Island, and even God would say that show is sh*t! So swearing isn’t such a bad thing.
Eat your vegetables, they’ll make you big and strong. Obviously she was feeding me a line here (pun intended). I’ve been away from home for five years now and rarely eat vegetables. The only “strong” thing about them is the overwhelming urge I have to vomit when i consume them. Especially when it’s broccoli. Let junior eat cheeze puffs for dinner if he wants.
“I’ll tell you later.” That was a comdom described to me, age 8. And I’m still waiting on that explanation. They looked like balloons to me, and for the longest time I wondered she’d need them in the nightstand beside her bed. She also should have told me they’d be powdery when inflated. I wonder what she thought when she found it behind the dresser? If she’d raised me right, the teachers at school would have been so impressed when I used the word “prophylactic” in context.
Santa Claus isn’t real. Was I the only kid in third grade that thought that there was some fat man in a red suit who broke into our house in the middle of the night to leave gifts, and then argued that he was real when someone pointed out the obvious? Okay he was fun and all when I was three, but by age five a kid should know that the Easter bunny, the tooth fairy (a tooth fairy for christsakes!), Santa Claus and monsters aren’t real. I was actually told the boogey man would beat me to bed if i didn’t go when i was told. WTF!?
What’s a Goober? Goobers are peanuts. A ninny is a simpleton. Neither should be used to describe certain anatomical parts of the body. EVER!
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