The Author Writes his irks and quirks

When I think about all the years of my life that were misspent in the retail sector, I get nauseous. Iíve asked time and again who is responsible for issuing refunds on that part of my life, but it seems Iím seven years outside the return policy. Now Iím just stuck with really bad memories and lame anecdotes, but Iím not bitter or anything. Here are some of the life-altering lessons Iíve learned from my retail experiences. Iím sharing these with all you idiots whoíve never worked retail in the hopes you might learn something.

  1. Retail clerks are not licensed psychotherapists, so itís not a good idea to call a store and tell your life history when you just need to ask a simple question like ďwhat time do you close.Ē No one cares about your life. No one!
  2. If you want to shop by phone, call QVC.
  3. If you live four days from town and only make it in once a year, donít announce that fact. Chances are your poor social manners and disgusting hygiene will give you away.
  4. If youíve given your child an obnoxious (read: stupid) name that matches they behavior, donít say it out loud. It makes us laugh at you and think even more poorly of you than we already did. (Examples of such names are Ė and Iím not making these up: Vanity, LaQueesha, Bubba, and Billy Ray.)
  5. Donít say ďwell so and so told me...Ē in a dispute with a clerk. They donít care what Ďso and soí told you, and chances are youíre lying anyway.
  6. Threatening to call the corporate office or sue is not intimidating in a dispute.
  7. Corporate office is even more indifferent than we are. After all, we only make minimum wage.
  8. If you are going to steal, make it worth your while and donít do it at a discount store.
  9. The sales clerk, no matter how educated he/she pretends to be, knows nothing about the product he/she is selling. To prove this ask: ďhow long have you had yours?Ē I tell you this because itís taxing on us to fabricate fairy tales that sound plausible enough to sell you the product.
  10. Snobby people at Foleyís donít make anymore money than stupid people at Wal-Mart. You should let them know this.

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